Pinkie PiePants: EQG Edition: The Camping Episode

    After long, grueling months of classes, long hours of all-nighters and studying, and especially after the dreaded “finals week”, the students of CHS finally embarked on the blissful, joyous hiatus known only as summer break. Many of the students have already made plans to spend their glorious three months off, such as planning vacations to exotic locations, camping outdoors, to even simply staying at home. Rarity, in particular, was one of those who chose the latter, if for only to start off the summer vacation, and her weekend to boot.

 

It was a Friday night, and after getting out of the shower and drying herself off, Rarity immediately slipped into an elegant nightgown, accompanied with tea and the latest issue of Hoity Toity Monthly. She soon got into bed, but not before glancing at the calendar to take note of an important date.

 

“Ahh, yes.” Rarity sighed. “Not only the weekend, but summer vacation has finally arrived! And while on the topic of weekends, this isn’t just any old weekend. But rather, the weekend that Pinkie and Sonata go camping! While I still consider myself and Pinkie good friends, lately she’s been acting…. zanier than usual, especially now that school’s out. Even I need at least a day or two away from…. her. Still, I wonder if they would find themselves lost in the woods and never come back….”

 

Rarity soon imagined a scene where Pinkie and Sonata found themselves wandering aimlessly in the forest.

 

“Sonata? I’m scared….” said Pinkie in Rarity’s imagination.

 

Back to reality, Rarity soon pulled up the blankets and opened up her magazine.

 

“Hmm, well that would certainly be some time off from her. But regardless, you’ve waited a long time for this, Rarity! A soft bed, warm tea, a good magazine, and two whole days with no…. HAHAHAHAHAHA! *snort*.”

 

But after that crude impression of Pinkie’s laugh, Rarity soon heard Pinkie’s real laugh in what seemed to be coming from directly outside her house.

 

“HAHAHAHAHAHA! *snort*.”

“Huh?! What the-?”

 

Rarity promptly got up from her bed and walked outside to investigate, surprised to see Pinkie and Sonata in the flesh with a tent set up outside. Flabbergasted, Rarity instantly interrogated the two on what was going on.

 

“Pinkie?! What do you think you’re doing?! Aren’t you supposed to be camping?!”

“We are camping! Look, see! I even got my old Camp Everfree shirt to prove it!”

“*facepalm* Pinkie, it’s not camping if you’re ten feet from your house. And for the record, why are you camping on my front yard?!”

“Aw, it doesn’t matter where we are, Rarity, as long as we’re outdoors!” Pinkie exclaimed as she threw up her arms. “While all those soft, city folk are safe in their beds reading magazines, we’re out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature! You wanna join us?”

 

Slightly annoyed and with an almost dead expression on her face, Rarity simply answered, “No.”

“Well, okay! Have fun inside!” Pinkie replied before going back inside the tent, resuming reading her comic book with Sonata.

 

But for some reason, Rarity felt dazed by Pinkie’s comment and went back to the tent to question her further.

 

“Wait, Pinkie? What do you mean, “have fun inside”?”

“Just…. have fun inside. Y’know, see ya tomorrow? *squee*”

“Oh. Okay, bye.”

 

Pinkie resumed reading with Sonata once more, only for Rarity to once again barge in, further adding to Pinkie’s confusion.

 

“*gasp* You little sneak! I think know what you’re up to!”

“W-what?” inquired Pinkie sheepishly.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Pinkie! I wasn’t born yesterday!”

“Of course you weren’t, silly! Hee hee! I mean, duh, you’re older than me and-”

“Don’t try to change the subject!”

“But Rarity, you were the one who-”

“Stop! As I was saying, don’t think I can’t see what you’re doing! You’re saying I can’t take it!”

“B-b-but all I-”

“Ah-bah-bah-bah-bah! You're saying I’m soft! You think your little “have fun inside” challenge will somehow make me come camping with you! But let me tell you something, Pinkie! That will never, in any way, shape, or form, ever happen! And there’s no way in this world that I am going to sit out here all night with you two! So, get used to it!” Rarity scolded as she furiously exited the tent.

 

“Okay….” replied Pinkie. “………have fun inside!”

 

Now fully aggravated, Rarity let out another tantrum.

 

“That’s it! I’m in! I’ll show you two uncouth rapscallions what camping’s really all about!”

 

Contradicting what she had ranted about earlier, Rarity immediately went back inside her house and retrieved her old camping equipment used on the last trip to Camp Everfree, much to Pinkie and Sonata’s excitement.

 

“Oh boy! Rarity’s gonna go camping with us!” Pinkie giggled along with Sonata.

 

After what only seemed like a few minutes of packing, Rarity had come out of her house dressed in her old Camp Everfree shirt much like how Pinkie had done, and with a backpack so ridiculously large and heavy, that she barely even had the strength to walk on her own two feet.

 

“Now…. you’ll….. see…. how a…. real-!…. whoa! *crash* -Oof! Ugh…… outdoorswoman……. does it!” Rarity exclaimed after climbing out of her backpack which toppled over her. “Now, where did I put it? Ah, yes! Here we are, my remote-controlled self-assembling tent! Because a classy lady should not bother herself with work that would make her sweat! Now watch and learn, girls….”

 

Taking Rarity’s advice literally, Pinkie and Sonata immediately took a seat and proceeded to observe, with Pinkie taking out a pair of binoculars, and Sonata donning a pair of glasses and jotting down on a notepad. Tossing a pouch in the air, Rarity pressed a button on her remote control and expected the pouch to automatically form a tent ready for use. However, much to her chagrin, it proved to be defective as the power fizzled and the tent pouch exploded, leaving behind its unassembled parts in a pile on the ground.

 

“That was great, Rarity!” exclaimed Pinkie. “But how do ya get inside?”

“Yeah, it’s all crushy-looking.” Sonata added in.

 

“Erm, well, that’s because…. it isn’t put up yet, you imbeciles!” scolded Rarity.

“But…” Pinkie replied. “But I thought you said it was self-assembling and-”

“Stop! Who’s the outdoorswoman here?! Now, if I can just….”

 

Picking up the tent parts, Rarity proceeded to fiddle around with it, hoping to do something with it, only for her to accidentally rip the tent cloth, leaving behind a giant tear.

 

“Wow! Customization!” Pinkie misinterpreted.

“Genius!” Sonata replied as she wrote down notes.

 

Further aggravated, Rarity began to vent her anger by taking a wooden stake and beating the tent parts with it.

 

“She’s tenderizing the ground!”

“Of course!”

 

Still struggling, Rarity now found herself on the floor wrestling with the tent pieces, managing to wrap and tangle herself up with the pieces, all while Pinkie and Sonata were still intrigued with the display.

 

“Write that down, write that down!” shouted Pinkie.

“Erm, uh, ahhhh!!!!” Sonata panicked as she scribbled on her notepad once more, in which her “notes” were actually just a tic-tac-toe game in progress.

 

Now at her tipping point, Rarity proceeded to give a the tent pieces a huge kick, which somehow managed to automatically create a fully-assembled tent just as she intended, much to her surprise which quickly turned into satisfaction.

 

“*pant* *pant* Well, it took slightly longer but, voila!” she exclaimed as she presented her arms forward.

 

But that satisfaction quickly turned into embarrassment as the tent immediately collapsed into pieces once more, with Rarity sheepishly pushing them out of the way.

 

“Uh, heh heh, welllllll……. but what could possibly compare to just lying out under the stars?” Rarity blushingly said after pulling out a yoga mat, hoping to change the subject.

“Yeah! Woohoo!” Pinkie and Sonata cheered.

“Well now, if you ask me, I believe I’ve worked up quite an appetite as big as the whole outdoors! I think it’s time for us to eat. And I suppose you two are going to prepare some twigs and rocks, right? Heh…”

 

“Nope! We’ve got something even better! Marshmallows!” exclaimed Pinkie as she pulled out a bag and popped one in her mouth. “*munch* Mmmm! Yum, just like the astronauts eat!”

 

Hearing the mere mention of the word, “astronauts”, Sonata took it upon herself to don a fishbowl over her head and imitate an astronaut with Pinkie following suit, much to Rarity’s annoyance.

 

“*static* Sonata to Pinkie. Sonata to Pinkie. Do you read me? Over.”

“*static* Pinkie to Sonata. I read ya. Over.”

“*static* Sonata to Pinkie. I like going *static* Over.”

“*static* Pinkie to Sonata. *static* Me too.”

“*static*”

“*static*”

“*static*”

“*static*”

 

Going back and forth with their abhorrent static noises, Rarity simply just sat there with a blank, emotionless expression on her face.

 

“*static* Pinkie to Sonata. Help yourself. Over”

“Mmm…. yummy!” cried Sonata as she crammed the marshmallow into her mouth, breaking her glass helmet in the process. “Sonata to Pinkie! The deliciousness has landed!”

 

“Well, while you two “astronauts” can eat something so commonplace such as marshmallows, I think I’ll fancy myself a nice plate of cucumber sandwiches! Just as soon as I get my bread knife.” said Rarity as she proceeded to go back to her house.

 

“Aw, wait Rarity!” stopped Pinkie. “Didn’t ya take the bread knife when ya hiked out here?”

“While yes, I seemed to have forgotten my knife, it shouldn’t be any trouble just to walk back to my house, I mean we’re only ten feet from it!”

“B-but… but this is the wilderness! Ugh, it just doesn’t seem to fit the camping spirit.”

 

“Tsk…. pretty weenie…..” scoffed Sonata.

 

“*sigh* Alright, alright, hand me over a marshmallow….” Rarity begrudgingly agreed as she got one and put it on a barbecue stick.

 

“Heh, marshmallow. How fitting.” giggled Sonata as she whispered to Pinkie.

“What was that?” Rarity interrogated.

“Nothing, nothing! *blush*”

 

While Rarity began to lightly toast her marshmallow, sitting across from her, Sonata did the same, albeit with her’s catching on fire and with her going into a state of panic. Frantically, Sonata tried to blow on it to cool it down, only for the molten marshmallow to fly off the stick and hit Rarity in the face, with her eyes peeking out of the marshmallow glob and giving Sonata a stare which look liked she had the intent to kill.

 

“Grrgh…. Sonata!”

“Heh heh, sorry, Rare!”

 

Wiping off the burnt marshmallow on her face, Rarity resumed toasting her marshmallow while Sonata got another one and recommenced toasting her’s as well. But of course, Sonata would repeat her mistake and blew another molten marshmallow into Rarity’s face.

 

“………”

“I swear, I won’t do it again! For realsies! *squee*”

“*sigh*”

 

Once again, Rarity resumed toasting her marshmallow, although being a bit more cautious this time. Sonata now tried her hand one more time at toasting a marshmallow, but unsurprisingly, it caught on fire again. Luckily, Rarity managed to notice it in time, and ducked her head when Sonata blew it out.

 

“Whoop! Hah! Take that, Sonata!”

 

But as fate would have it, Rarity still managed to get hit with the molten marshmallow in the back of her head.

 

“Ugh! *sigh* Okay, besides spitting molten air-puffed confections in my face and me possibly suffering third-degree burns from this, what else, dare I ask, do you do for fun?”

“Heh, well, I’m glad you asked, Rarity!” replied Pinkie. “Because after a long day of camping, it’s nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing, campfire song….”

 

Pinkie proceeded to take out a ukulele and began to strum. “I call this one the “Campfire Song Song”!”

 

Rarity facepalmed. “*sigh* Tell me she’s not-”

“Oh yeah she is!” replied Sonata gleefully as she started to move to the rhythm.

 

Let’s gather ‘round the campfire,

and sing our campfire song!

Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song!

And if you don’t think that we can sing it,

faster, then you’re wrong!

But it’ll help if,

you just sing alooooooooong…..

 

 

Bum, bum, bum!

 

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song!

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song!

And if you don’t think that we can sing it faster, then you’re wrong!
But it’ll help if you just sing along!

 

Sing another song!…..

 

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song!

 

“Sonata!”

 

SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-!

 

 

“Rarity!”

 

………..

 

“Good!”

 

It’ll heeeeeeeeeeelp…..

It’ll heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp…..

If you just sing alooooooooooong!

 

And at the end of her musical number, consisting of Pinkie strumming her ukulele wildly accompanied by Sonata on drums on top of rising platforms, Pinkie proceeded to smash her ukulele violently on the ground while Sonata threw her drums over Pinkie’s head.

 

Seemingly unharmed, Pinkie forced her head through the bass drum and let out an adrenaline-filled “OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!”

 

“Ah, now wasn’t that relaxing?” inquired Pinkie.

“R-relaxing?! You…. you dunce! You call that relaxing?! Hmph, I dread to see what your definition of “loud” would be. But allow me to provide a musical number of my own.” said Rarity after pulling out a clarinet. “I’ll have you know I took a few lessons from a world-renowned maestro. Now this is relaxing!”

 

Taking a deep breath, Rarity carefully placed her lips on the clarinet’s reed and began to play……. rather horribly, that is. With each passing sour note, it didn’t take too long for Pinkie to sense danger and immediately take action.

 

“Oh no! I’ll save you, Rarity!” cried Pinkie as she grabbed a slingshot and launched a marshmallow into Rarity’s clarinet.

 

The force of the shot was so great, it actually went through the reed and caused Rarity to abruptly stop playing and begin to choke. Rushing over to her friend, Pinkie instantly gave her assistance.

 

“Rarity! Are you alright?! Hold on, that’s it. Chew, chew, and swallow.”

“*gulp*” Rarity swallowed as the whole marshmallow slid down her throat. “*gasp* *pant* *pant*”

“There, better?”

“B-b-b-better?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my instrument and down my windpipe!!!”

“But I had to! It’s too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness!”

“B-b-badly?! Speak for yourself with your so-called “relaxing” campfire song!”

 

“Song!” Sonata gleefully exclaimed. “Hee hee!”

 

“No, Rarity! You don’t understand! We might attract…..”

“Attract…. what?”

“……..An ursa minor…….” Pinkie whispered softly.

“A what?! Did you say…..... an ursa minor?”

“Mhm….”

“You mean like the ones only from Equestria? And here in our world, where they, oh I don’t know….. don’t exist?!?!”

“Oh no, Rarity! Ursa minors are all too real! Especially since people reported sightings of them after Midnight Sparkle opened up rifts to Equestria and some of ‘em snuck through! Look, it even says so in the World Inquirer!”

““I Married an Ursa Minor”?” Rarity read aloud after seeing an image of young woman and an ursa minor actually getting married.

 

“Yeah!” Sonata replied. “And Fake Science Monthly!”

““Ursa Minors and Sea Men Are Real”?! That’s just stupid!”

“Well, maybe it is stupid, but it’s also dumb!”

 

“Sonata’s right, Rarity! Ursa minors are no laughing matter! Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy’s cousin...”

“You’re right!” cut off Rarity. “I should be more careful! In fact, why don’t you tell me all of the things that I shouldn’t do if I want to keep ursas away?”

“Hmm, well….”

 

“Don’t worry, Pinkie!” said Sonata. “I compiled a list for ya!”

“Gee, thanks, Sonata! Alright let’s see here…. Sonata?! This is just a shopping list for taco ingredients!”

“Oops! Sorry, here’s the other list.”

 

“Alright, first off, don’t play the clarinet!”

“Okay, then what?”

“Never wave a flashlight back and forth really fast!”

 

“Flashlights are their natural prey!” Sonata added in.

Dumbfounded, Rarity replied, “You’re kidding.”

 

“Don’t stomp around!” said Pinkie. “They take that as a challenge!”

“Yeah!” agreed Sonata.

 

“Go on.” Rarity replied as she took out a notepad. “Wait, Sonata, why are there tic-tac-toe games on the pages?”

“Uh…. erm…. heh heh? *blush*”

 

“Don’t ever eat cheese!” continued Pinkie.

“Sliced or cubed?” inquired Rarity.

“*whispers with Sonata* Cubed, sliced is fine.”

“Yeah, yeah, and?”

 

“Never wear a sombrero!” continued Pinkie.

“In a goofy fashion!” added Sonata.

“Or clown shoes!”

“Or a hoop skirt!”

“And never….”

“Ever!”

“Ever….”

“Duh!”

 

“Screech like a chimpanzee!” the two cried in unison.

 

“Wow!” Rarity responded. “It’s amazing how many things can set an ursa minor off!”

“T-t-they’re horrible!” replied the two as they shuddered and clinged onto each other.

“A-and suddenly…. I have the feeling that we all might be in danger!”

“W-why?!”

 

“I’m not sure….. just a feeling!” Rarity replied after returning dressed in clown shoes, a hoop skirt, and a sombrero whilst holding a tray of cubed cheese and a flashlight that had both Flash Sentry’s and Twilight Sparkle’s faces on them for some reason.

 

“No….” Pinkie uttered, horrified.

“Yes….” Rarity replied with a now diabolical look on her face.

“No!”

“…..Ooh.”

“Rarity, please!”

“Oooh!”

 

“RARITY, PLEASE DON’T!” Pinkie and Sonata pleaded.

 

“Oooh-Oooh-Oooh-Ah-Ah! Hahahaha! Oooh-Oooh-Oooh-Ah-Ah!”

 

But it was too late, for Rarity, stomping around and waving the flashlight, had now commenced the summoning of the ursa minor. Terrified, Pinkie and Sonata hurried to come up with a solution.

 

“Pinkie!” cried Sonata. “What are we gonna do?! An ursa’s sure to come and eat us!!!”

“Hold on, hold on…… Aha! I’ve got it! Don’t worry, Sonata, I’ll draw us an anti-ursa minor circle in the dirt!” replied Pinkie as she pulled out a leftover barbecue stick and drew a circle around her and Sonata.

“Good thinking! All the experts say it’s the only defense against an ursa minor attack!”

 

Rarity, still hooting around, only paused for a moment to mockingly laugh at her friends for being so naive.

 

“Hahahaha! Oh, Pinkie, Sonata, stop it, you’re killing me!”

“Well, not as much as the ursa minor’s gonna be killing you!” Sonata answered aggressively.

“Please, Sonata. You two are so gullible! See? I did everything that attracts an ursa minor, and nothing happened. If ursa minors really exist in our world, why didn’t one show up?”

 

“Well….” Pinkie replied. “Maybe it’s because you’re not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.”

“Oh, pfft, sorry, how silly of me! You mean like this?” Rarity responded after slightly tilting her sombrero to the right. “Hahahahahaha!!!!”

 

Soon however, a glowing, clawed hand reached out and placed Rarity’s sombrero on her head, inverted.

 

“No….” Pinkie retorted. “Like that….”

 

Completely flabbergasted, Rarity could only utter out an “Um….”

 

But it was no joke at this point anymore, for Rarity had now come face-to-face with a real, angry, ursa minor. With the ursa standing just a few inches away from her, snarling and bloodthirsty, Rarity couldn’t help but feel a shock traveling up and down her body that paralyzed her dead in her tracks, unable to even lift a finger. Letting out an agitated, mighty roar, Rarity decided it was time to run.

 

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

 

Sprinting for her life, it was to no avail as the glowing bear was much faster and caught up to her with relatively no problem. The bear pounced on her and proceeded to beat her violently, leaving the huddled Pinkie and Sonata to only witness the horrors befalling their friend as well as hearing her bloodcurdling screams. After a few seconds of mauling, the ursa got up and walked away. But to Rarity, the beating seemed like an eternity.

 

“Rarity?” Pinkie inquired. “Are you okay?”

Battered and bruised, and somehow with bandages already applied, Rarity barely even had the strength to answer, “No….”

“Quick! Jump inside our anti-ursa minor circle before he comes back!”

 

“Yeah!” Sonata continued. “Ursa minors often attack more than once!”

 

“Are you crazy?!?!” Rarity hostilely questioned. “A dirt circle won’t stop that…. that monster! I’m running for my life!”

“Nooooooooooooooooooo!” Pinkie and Sonata cried out.

 

But their cries fell on deaf ears as when Rarity began to run, the ursa came back, beating her silly once more.

 

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

 

Once the ursa was finished, Pinkie tried to warn her friend again.

 

“Don’t run! Ursa minors hate that!” Pinkie stated.

Now even more beaten down, Rarity replied, “Thanks….. thanks for the tip. Well….. I don’t know about you girls, but….. I think that’s enough camping for me tonight! I guess I’ll just….. limp home then…..”

 

“Nooooooooooooo!” Pinkie and Sonata cried out once more.

 

But alas, it was to no avail once more as the ursa came back again to give poor Rarity another beating.

 

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

 

“They hate limping more than running!” called out Pinkie.

Barely even able to now stand, Rarity answered, “Well….. I guess I’ll just- AHHHH!!!!!”

 

The ursa came back in full force again, quickly pummeling Rarity down once more.

 

“I should’ve warned you about crawling!” shouted Pinkie.

 

The ursa returned once again to thrash and beat around Rarity, but this time, it was for a reason unknown.

 

“Oh for fu- what’d I do that time?!?!” Rarity shouted in frustration.

“I dunno!” replied Pinkie. “Maybe he just doesn’t like you!”

 

“Pretend to be somebody else!” Sonata yelled out.

“Here, draw a circle!” Pinkie called out as she threw out her barbecue stick at Rarity.

 

“Okay!” Rarity answered as she began to draw.

 

But despite her attempt at establishing a defense, the ursa returned anyway, giving her one more beating.

 

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

 

“That was an oval!” cried Pinkie. “It needs to be a circle!”

“MOOOOOOOVE OVER!!!!!!” yelled the completely worn and broken Rarity as she leaped onto Pinkie and Sonata’s circle.

 

The ursa minor returned one more time to threaten Rarity again, but this time, took note of the circle surrounding the three girls. After pointing one final warning claw, snarling threateningly as he did, the ursa minor finally backed down and walked away.

 

Relieved that it was finally all over, Rarity became overjoyed with thanks.

 

“I-I-I can’t believe it! You….. you girls actually saved my life! Oh, how can I ever thank you?”

“Aw, it was nothing, Rarity.” replied Pinkie as she, Rarity, and Sonata all embraced each other. “Although I will say, I’m glad it was just an ursa minor. This circle would never protect against an ursa major!”

“W-what attracts them?” Rarity asked.

 

“The sound of an ursa minor attack!” Sonata replied. “Well, they are their young after all….”

 

Soon after, a giant ursa major showed up, completely towering over ursa minor sleeping in her arms, the same ursa minor that attacked Rarity. Angry after feeling her child was hurt in some way, the ursa major let out a threatening growl towards the girls.

 

“Heh.” chuckled Pinkie. “Good thing we’re all wearing our specialized anti-ursa major undergarments! Right, Rarity?”

“…………”

“Uh, Rarity?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Uh…… yeah….......”

 

 

The End…